My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
