respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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