Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize