man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
