i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
last night I used snow as a chaser
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
