Already got asked if we're dating
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
grandma shit on top of the toilet
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
