he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
