It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
