Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
