Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
