I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
