Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
