listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
