rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just invented taco cereal.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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