On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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