For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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