i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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