I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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