peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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