did you get engaged???
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
