two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
