Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
