I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
