The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize