I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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