His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
