Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize