1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
