New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
