Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
And then my night got REAL pukey
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
