All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
