I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize