38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
