so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
