omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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