i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
