I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize