He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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