she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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