Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
