I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
