i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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