I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
