Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize