I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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