connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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