Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
