Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We had sex on a dog bed..
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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