How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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