Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The power of my boobs compel you
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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