What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
