sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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