I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you win again, gameday.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
