I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
