Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
