Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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