my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
