Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
