I'm going to jail i love you
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize