I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We need to get me chipped asap
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