someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Randomize
