So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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