Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
