she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
