I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
